Ramble

So havent written in awhile. Reallly haven't had anything to say. Same ol thing everyday, most days. Gets really old fast. Get up take meds clean house, play with dogs, use computer more cleaning, some time cook, some dialysis, watch tv, more med. Thats most day o dont forget naps and insomnia :P lol thats most day. I like the simpleness and quiet most days. Most my  friends have busy lives so they arnt around too much, but most them check on me through phone and email. Im also tryin to stay as healthy as possible, because Im immune system is really low. So its easier for me to catch germs. I used to go to alot of local band shows, lot my friends are local band peoples, so I used to be out all hours hanging out at shows, and hanging out after with my friends, traveling as far as four hours to see them. I cant reallly do that right now, to crowded and full of germs. But I do out every once and awhile to dinner and the mall , coffee shops. Im just more cautious. Also my way to get around on my own is a lil more limited during the day, I dont drive and I dont have a car even if i did drive. LOL I know how to drive, Im just terrified of driving so I use the bus, taxi, train. and the bus system i know has tons of germs llol all the different people from all walks of life that take the bus, I cant even imagine the germs lol.

Urg I better go, Ill write more later tonight. its a dialysis night :P

Sleeping Beauty Overload:P

So I'v talked in the past about my insane insomnia, for instance like now lol its 3am. And I'm not even a wink tired AH! that's so annoying! And actually tonight is the first night in awhile that I have had trouble sleeping. I duno these last couple days have gone by like a dream. Iv been so tired during the day. And its not cause I'm not getting sleep. 
Its not like a sleepy tired, its just plain drained and weak tired. Iv been doing so well with dialysis and energy the past six months. These last couple days I cant even sit down without fallin asleep. LOL I don't even know Iv fallen asleep, and when I wake I don't know if its been two hours or 2 mins. And sometimes it it has been two hours haha. Part of it  I'm thinkable is the heat, these past few days we have had a lil bit of a heat wave, so heat plus sick person whos already petite and now under weight, maybe doesn't make a good combo? I duno that's just my guess.  And on top of that dialysis has been taking off more fluid than usual, not there is really anything to pull of but they are really stretching it. So I  feel like sleeping beauty stuck in a sleeping spell. :P Just gotta figure out what changed to trigger this sleeping spell. Like I said its not that I feel tired, well not at first. Just weak, but then as I take nap after nap through the day that makes me sleepier. Its only been that way the last 3 days or so, so hopefully my body will snap out of it.  


As for dialysis, like I said they are starting to tryin and pull more fluid. They are really tryin, I can tell, lol cause now I get cramps towards the end of treatment. Not major cramps but enough to bug me. And so I have a dialysis chest catheter for my treatment. Theres different types of ways to do treatment, the chest cath is usually for short term people who will eventually get a kidney. And then theres other things like arm fistulas that are more for long term, years of treatment. So the doc officially decided that I dont need an arm fistula. Thank God for that, I don't want one those, that scared me more than have tubes stick out of my chest. Theres quite a bit of people who say they would rather have the arm access, not me.  Ya chest cath makes it a lil difficult bathing, and thats one the biggest reasons say they dont like chest caths. Ya so you have to bath with the water right about at your belly button level. Wit the Catherine all bandaged up so it doesn't get wet, then upper half of the body that cant get wet I have to sponge bath, and lastly I wash my hair in the sink. Urg, ya its seems like an ordeal, and that because the catheter is connected directly to my heart. If bacteria was to get in the tubes and start growing that would be no good, direct line to my heart  hello thats no good.  So I don't mind, just as long as I dont have to get an arm fistula. If you have that you have to get needle pokes every dialysis treatment, And that is so not for me. Well sleeping beauty is going to attempt to rest. 
Good night and Good morning :P

A Midnight Ramble

Its ten minutes after midnight. So I'm feeling much better after a good amount of fluids through the day, and eating a full meal at dinner. Some days those blood pressure meds can kick my butt. Thankfully not very often. Any who, so hmm yes I mentioned Im on the list :), now I have family and friends who will hopefully call in and we can get this stuff going.

So very very exciting news, so my lil puppy that my husband and I had, I sadly had to leave her in Tennessee with some friends until I could find a way to fly her to California. How I miss my lil pup.Shes everything to me from TN/KY shes was prolly the best thing from my last two and half years. My husband and I searched and searched petfinder.com for a puppy for me as a companion, because he would be deploying very soon. Omg when I saw my lil Lily I just had to have her. My husband drove us almost 5 hours to go get her from a shelter. It was meant to be, because the minute I opened that shelter door she came running into my arms. her and I we so strongly bonded. The last two years she has been with my almost 24-7.

When I got sick, that week or so in the hospital had been the longest her and I had been apart. And I was devastated that having to leave to California, would mean that I couldn't be with her. And I tried to bring her on the plane with me, but she was too big :( 

But I promised my Lily that I would not forget her and bring her home to me when I could get the money to. Finally that time has come.

Its like a mother apart from her baby, lol. Hey don't laugh. Shes not just a dog shes a part of my family. And a gift from God, because without her, I would prolly have had a lonely life alone. I cant wait to snuggle and give you lots of lil doggie kisses. <3

Life has topsy turvied a millions times over and over. It hurts to think about the life Iv lead. It makes me cry to think about a person dyin on life support, alone so scared and unknowing if anyone knew she was hurt. She thought she would die in that bed and not get to see her loved ones ever again. It hurts to think about someone being in that situations, it makes me cry even at this moment, to imagine someone being like that, all her neighborhood friends dropped her at the hospital and didn't care to see if she lived through the night. You know I;m very positive about my life, and all Iv been through really doesnt bother me. But then when I think about it as just a person, it breaks my heart. It doesn't bother me that I have to deal with all these challenges in life. 

I just get scared, thinking about that woman dying in that bed. And no one cared enough to stick around, except her mother who flew miles to see her. This woman's own husband, couldn't even stand by her, even after a vow of death do us part. So it scares me to think, will I ever find someone whose not blood, who really will ever take anything near that vows to heart.  People are not as strong as me, and you know I probably will never meet someone who is. But I know God is gonna challenge me on that :P Hes gona put someone so strong in my path, that I wont be able to break away. I just don't believe God yet lol. 

People ask how can I be okay with a person I vowed my love and life to, leaving me at the moment I needed him the most. Well, if he left me to die, then why do I want him in my life anyway.  I dont. I survived. And he was to much of  a coward to endure this journey. I dont have time to wonder why, all I know is that non of it was my fault, and I am not to blame. That I had a life to fight for. And my health to worry about and no time to wonder why he couldn't be everything he was suppose to be. Im a beautiful woman inside and out. Maybe a mess lol, but a beautiful one haha. And he wasn't man enough to stick by. So I guess I got to work extra hard from now on to weed out the men from the boys. Have to bring out tests of ultimate strength, Million questionnaire tests, lie detectors, set the dogs on them LOL :P If your gonnna stick with me be prepared to be unprepared lol. I warn people, but guess people dont believe me. 

To me all this makes me stronger, thats a beautiful quality in me I think. Without all these life experiences, I do not know what type of person I would be, well Id probably be a person who takes life for granted, and lack self esteem. Im beautiful because of all of this, every scar and bruise has a story to remember and tell. <3

Sick day

Feeling siick today.
One the blood pressure meds labetalol. Its a tricky med,have to eat with it, but never can tell if you hafeve to eat right after you eat it or right before, cuz sometimes even when I eat I still get sick. Like today ate a whole bowl of cereal, and still ended up running to the bathroom puking my guts out. :( Gave me a headache and stomach had been uneasy feelin all day. So taking it easy alll day.

Its been awhile

Hello, wow I have not written in a few days, sorry bout that, Iv been really tired, and no energy for much of anything on top of drama, thats off and on. But thats life ya know :P
Anywho, So inbetween my sleepyness, then I did have energy I used all that energy to the last drop lol. I finally went and saw the last Harry Potter movie with my folks, omg was the best of all the movies, emotional but wonderfully made movie. We had dinner at Red Lobster yum, thought out my meal and liquid with a lil cheating and smart choice thinking. For instance dark sodas like Coke and stuff are the bad choice, Sprite or ice teas kinda drinks are better. So I had an ice tea, with shrimp and lobster tail. YUM I finished every last bite. You'd have thought I hadn't eaten for days haha.
And just a note, I have had a few people tell me my blog portrays lies, because I can not be that happy or confident with myself and my situation. Well truth is, yes I do have my down moments, but I do not let them run my life. I take all the negatives and change them into a positive. I tell life how it is, and go on. Urg Im fallin asleep at hte keyboard haha. Thats a sign to stop lol.
Dialysis tomorro. O!O!O quick note Friday the nurse called I am officially now on the transplant list :D\
ok Im tired, nite nite

I made it through today

I have not really had any inspiring thoughts or exciting moments to talk about lately :P Fact is life is what it is, you can either except what life had faced you with with a positive outlook or not. Either way you will have to face it. Its your own choice how you perceive it, and how you look at it might actually improve your situation or not.
I do not know how many times the doctors have told my family she is not going to live, and I always pull through and shock the doctors.And yes partly it has to do with the medical team and their hope that a certain treatment or drug revive me. But I think my will to beat all odd and my positive attitude helped me overcome death.
You would never know by looking at me that 5 months ago I was on life support and the docs there had lil hope.
Feeling sorry for myself is not goin to do any good for me, if your emotionally unhealthy, that effects you physically.  You have to think "hey today was a good day, cant wait to see what tomorrow brings. "  Girls put on your lip-gloss and feel cute even in sweats and flip flops :P
You gotta think happy thoughts, cuz if you live everyday feeling sorry and hating things, your gonna look back and see all those day of wallowing you could have been living life.

Im 24 and have two major life conditions, one which is genetic and I have a sibling who could be my identical twin in terms of medical issues but hes three years younger, and I watched him go through his journeys after me. I watched my father fight cancer, and win. All these life challenges within my home, and we all fought the odds, because we live with positive attitudes as sense of humor and lots of love, in addition to the wonderful medial team who stood by us through life.

Hope you have a beautiful day where ever you are <3

‎"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!" 
-Audrey Hepburn

Food for thought :P

So I saw this cartoon and thought it was funny. Gotta have a sense of humor about life's situations. Renal diet does suck indeed, but you dont have to be strict, IF you are someone who has self control. If you have selfcontrol there is always room for a lil cheating. :) If you really want that milkshake, have it, but have it on dialysis day :) enjoy a lil of your fav foods is ok, just dont go overboard.
If I didnt cheat a little I think I would starve, with moderation and the phosphorus binders, and dialysis things should be A-ok :P

Chair Time

So here I am sittin in dialysis, thankfully Im only set for 2.5 hours. Got  wi-fi and my laptop, and dads sitting here with me. So time goes fast. So last few days whats been up. hmm. So Thursday I had a kidney doc appt, she adjusted my blood pressure meds a bit cause my blood pressure is still running high. Its gotten as high as 170 on the top number..no bueno. Thats stroke level. So doc upped the meds a bit, and my phosphorus was high in my last lab, eatin a lil too much dairy my bad :(.  So high phosphorus in renal failure paitients is bad, the kidneys cannot remove phosphorus very well. High phosphorus levels can cause damage to your body. Extra phosphorus causes body changes that pull calcium out of your bones, making them weak. High phosphorus and calcium levels also lead to dangerous calcium deposits in blood vessels, lungs, eyes, and heart. So mine was a little on the high side this last lab check so the doc put me on phosphate binders the  medicine will help control the amount of phosphorus your body absorbs from the foods you eat.  So that should help keep my phosphorus levels in check. So that was that, and then run and grab so fast food, cheat the diet a lil :P, and hurry off to dialysis. So just hung with mom for a Thursday night of dialsysis. And my wonderful friend Jason, came to dialysis in the last 15min or so, and then he and I scurried off to hang out by then it was like 9, so yea day was already pretty long, but dialysis cant tire me out :P. We hurried of to do a bunch of nothing, it was just nice to hang out with a friend doing a bunch of nothing watchin lame late night tv. 
I definitely knocked out that night cuz I hadnt napped all day haha. I usually nap 45 around lunchtime. Friday was a sleep in day, and quiet calm boring day, nothing out of hte ordinary the blood pressure is still getting under control but they just changed the meds so cant expect it to change over night. Nothing else much on Friday....now Friday night....was one those insomnia nights urg! Seriously it came 5:30 a.m and the Rocky my dog was ready to wake up and go outside. I finally dozed off on the couch this morning at around 7-9a.m lol. So Im running on no sleep but doin pretty goood :P I guess I'm just that happy and full of sunshine that it never lets me sleep :P jk.  
And so now here I am once again the famous chair, all this writing, now i'v got an hour and half left to go.  So I duno how many people read my blog, I feel like Im writing to space haha. So if ur read lemme know :P 


Its so dark outside and its only 7:40 at night. Gave  myself a manicure earlier, and sittin here listentin to some Katy Perry.  Feeling really good, not tired or sick, good job dialysis :). I'm not even really retaining fluid, well not enough to pulll it off. Least not today. But my pee output has gotten less and less. I know sound weird doest it? No peeing! Well the kidneys regulate ur fluid and make you pee and take all the toxins out of your body. So no kidney workin, no pee or very little. especially since I'm on dialysis, that i guess confuses the body, cuz dialysis takes the place of the kidney, so slowly as I stay on dialysis weeks and months, the kidney doesnt produce urine, but I still feel the urge to pee, but nothin, now that sucks :(. 


Hmm not much else to say at the moment, just love yourself, and others will love you, and if they dont, you dont need them. Life is extraordinary and you got way more in your path to dwell on negative things. 


God must have so bigger reason why he has done these things to me. He makes me stronger. <33




"I'm beautiful in my own way, God makes no mistakes" - Lady Gaga

Shortly :P

Sorry for not posting lately, been a lil crazy, but Ill be writing tonight in dialysis, so stay tuned :p