Open your eyes....and see

I have been through so much in my life and you wouldn't know it if you looked at me...Sometimes I don't even believe it. But iv got plenty of battle wounds to know its all true :p. What makes me get through it is the love of the people in my life and I am so grateful to them for being there for me through everything in my life. I know I wouldn't be as strong as I am if I didn't have the support...People don't understand how sick I am really am sometimes....I try to keep upbeat and look strong for everyone else...but someday I just am sick as a dog and look like it loll...People who are not really familiar with kidney disease do not understand how critical it really is. ..
I go to dialysis four times a week and I never go alone....but there are 16 other patients getting treatment at the same time and I think only 2 other patients have someone with them....the others are alone, and I could never imagine being alone during that time...or how people could leave a loved one to go through that alone.
No one should ever have to feel alone while going through things like this. 

I have a few messages I want to get out to people:
1) I need a kidney donor
2) Organ donation awareness-and how many others need a kidney
3) if you know someone going through something like this ...don't be a stranger.
4) Life is beautiful, just like you don't forget that, you are worth it!

*And to thank all the people who have imprinted in my life in small and big ways.

The Story of Alma~Living Organ Donation

I asked my Aunt to write her story about when she gave her kidney to my brother, to give her experience as a donor.I know some people are scared to do it because they do not know anyone who has been through it, just talked to doctors and such. So I asked her to write her story as a donor :)To help give other a little more reassurance that is an amazing choice to donate:::

             :Ten years ago on January 13,2003 I left my home in Sacramento at 6 in the morning and headed to Lucille Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford University.  My nephew was waiting for me to check in so we could start a new journey in both our lives.  He at age 13 just as his father and sister at age 13 under went kidney failure and depended on dialysis until a suitable donor came along.  Luckily, I happened to be a good match for him!  

 When my sister who is my nephews mom called me and told me the news about needed a kidney donor for my nephew, I did not hesitate in stepping forward and immediately asked how we got the process moving.  The first thing I did was go down to the hospital where they took a few vials of blood to check and see how many, if any markers matched.  I was told the more markers matching, the better my chance to be selected as a donor.  Just because we were family did not necessarily mean we would be perfect matches.  A stranger could sometimes be selected as a better donor than an immediate family member.  

Well, after our matches came back as being classified as a “good” donor, I had an opportunity to talk to a pschycologist who offered to answer any of my questions I might have, and at the same time I think they were checking to see if I was be forced or coerced into giving my kidney.  Well, I had many questions and concerns as I had 2 young children of my own, but I was reassured that being a living donor would not affect my health in any way.  If I continued to take care of myself and eat right and exercise, as we all should, my life would continue as if I still had 2 kidneys.  That was good news to me as I worried if I would jeopardize my future of being around for my own kids, as I grew older.   

After my many questions and concerns were set to rest, I continued with physicals and a few more blood tests.  I then saw another psychologist who needed to confirm I was doing this at my own free will.  I thought this second appointment was unnecessary, but I was willing as to not prolong this process and get my nephew his kidney.  You see, dialysis takes a big toll on a person’s body.  Yes it helps them live longer, but during this process it is hard having all your blood drained (slowly of course), filtered and then re-circulated back into your body.  He was getting thinner and it is a difficult way for anyone to prolong his or her life.  Yet, for so many people, this is the only way to stay alive.  This was the last step before we could schedule an operating date.  We were almost to the finish line!  

So we set the date and waited in anticipation.  My husband and I set up for grandma to come and stay with the kids while we headed to Stanford.  In getting there, I was checked in and feeling a bit under the weather.  I hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before worrying if I had forgotten to tell my mother in-law about something the girls might need or want.  Well, the nurse took my temperature and it was 101.  I could not believe it!  They asked me question about my health, and did a few test and we soon learned that I had strep throat!  So we had to reschedule and we were all bummed!!!  Its like standing in line for that concert ticket of a life time, and getting to the front of the line and they put the “sold out” sign up as you put your money on the counter!  So we headed home only after being told the surgery calendar for our world-renowned surgeon was booked up for the next 3 months, but if anything opened up, they would let us know!  Ok thanks!  Just what we wanted to hear after we had waited so long.  So we headed back to Sacramento with a bag of antibiotics and a heavy heart. 

That was December 2002.  Christmas came and went, new years came and went, finally the phone rings and they say we got a surgery date but we need to be to the hospital the following morning at 7 am!  We have no time to arrange or wait for people to drive down for our kids, so we pack the car with bags of clothes for each of us and head to Sanford early before the sunrises the next morning.  We put our sleeping girls into their car seats and head to Stanford.  We check in, get vitals taken, and all is good!  

After talking to our doctor one last time (an angel of a man!) saying a prayer and hugging everyone, they wheeled me and my nephew off to our operating room to prep us.  

I remember them telling me to count backwards from 10 and they would all see me when I woke again.  Our doctor patted me on my shoulder and he said “don’t worry, see you soon and Jeffrey will be fine because of you” 10, 9, 8….

As I woke up, I remember the nurse saying everything went well, Jeffrey is fine!  That was exactly what I wanted to hear!  I felt a bit of pain as I attempted to move, and they recommended me not to move too much.  I was wheeled to my room after being watched in the recovery room for some time.  I was greeted by my husband who said to me “happy anniversary!”  I hadn’t realized with all the excitement of hurrying to get to the hospital that it was oue wedding anniversary!  I always joke that on January 13th I gave my heart to my husband and my kidney to Jeff!  From there on it was a breeze!  I was in quite a bit of pain, I won’t lie, but with help room some painkillers, it was very tolerable.  I was up and walking the very next day and after 4 days, I was on my way home!  

I was not on any life long special diet.  I was told to walk everyday, no driving and by 6 to 7 weeks, I would be back to my old self (minus a kidney).   

That is exactly what happened.  I went for a check up to Stanford the week following, then one 2 weeks later, then once a month for 6 months.  They gave me the all clear that my kidney I had was working well and I learned that the kidney I had would grow to be able to do the job of 2 kidneys.  

It has been 10 years now and as each day goes by, I feel thankful and blessed to have been able to give such a gift to my nephew.  I have had wonderful health and no issues what so ever with my kidney or anything else for that matter.  My nephew is also doing great!  He has really made an effort to take care of himself and his new kidney!  

If anyone were to ever ask me “if you had to do this over again, would you?”  My answer would be 100% YES!  If asked “do I ever regret doing it?”  My answer is 100% NO!!  If asked “would you recommend others to do this?” My answer is 1000% YES!! No the extra zero on that number is not a typo.  I really want people to know that this is not a health affecting surgery for the donor.  This is a LIFE effecting surgery for the recipient though!! I encourage you to step up and help someone in need.  Not only did this change my nephews’ life, but it changed my life also.  I have only felt so fulfilled and happy and needed three times in my life.  Twice was when my 2 daughters were born, the third was when I saw my nephews smile for the first time after our surgery.  To know what it is to give someone a second chance at living is indescribable.  This was the right choice for me and my family.  I hope it can be the right choice for you and yours as well

Fighter for life

Waiting waiting waiting......................Im getting really good at patience...kinda.....sitting on dialysis for 3 hours ......that takes patience............waiting for a kidney takes patience...WELL to some point. Waiting in sense. BUT still working to get the word out that I need help. And thats what you have to do. You cant just wait and wait and wait for the doctors to fix it, because they wont work as hard as you to save your life. They will do what comes easy the surgery, but they don't have to be you and be on dialysis and take meds and be on a special diet so they don't really have me as a priority. They have tons of other people that want the same thing.. YOU are you best advocate.
Speak up for yourself and be aware.
Im one that really shocks the medical staff because I ask lots of questions and sometimes I tend to put the doctors in their place and make sure I am herd.

I doubt you will meet many surgeons that have the patient arguing with them the OR about where the placement of the chest cath is going to be LOL only for me to win.
And my IV rule with nurses is two sticks if you do not get it in within two sticks then your out and I get a whole new nurse.
Or how about the time I was 13 when I was in the hospital for more than a month and then finally the doc said I would be released withing the next few days and he kept telling me that over and over and I finally got fed up and told him you are not allowed to come in my room until you have my discharge papers. HAHAH
But seriously the only advocate for yourself is yourself; its also good to have a good entourage of support to back you up in case your are too sick.

I have quite a few people in process to see if they are a match for me. The nurse says its very shocking to see the amount of people that have come fourth for me. Well that's cause I am very determined. I do not want to stay on dialysis one day longer than I have to.

I have talked to some people waiting for a transplant and they are too afraid to ask anyone even friends for a kidney. Not me...I need help and getting a kidney is the only way. If I could grow a kidney tree in my backyard and fix the problem myself I would lol,but life doesn't work that way. Sometimes you cant save yourself.

So tell everyone to be an organ donor and they may save your life, and maybe they wont match. But it could help them to think maybe they can save someone else.
95,307 are waiting for a kidney! Certainly is everyone who has two working kidneys gave ONE away that number would not be that high.....

MIA

https://www.facebook.com/marinaneedsakidney

Wow so its 2013...ya I was away from blogging for too long sorry.Time has just been crazy busy. In a good way for the most part.Well aside from still waiting and waiting for that call about a match.
So ketchup...December was just full of family time and enjoying Christmas...Donor status...well I had a friend working on the prcoess. He got really far and we all had a feeling he was going to be the one because he had gotten so far in the process.. We came to learn he was not a match :( So the search continues. 
The key is just to keep on thinking IT WILL HAPPEN. And to just think happy thoughts... lol I know that sounds kinda silly. But its the truth. And I know I keep repeating that in my entries. But I want people to really think about that.

In case you forgot what a
dailysis machine looks like :P

Dialysis is going pretty good, well good enough for a dialysis treatment. Iv gained weight so the doctor upped my dry weight. :) which is good means I gained actual weight not water weight..water weight what is that you ask? Well since my kidney doesn't work and I dont pee. Every liquid I consume just keeps adding up in my body. I am only allowed to have about a liter of fluids in-between dialysis treatments. So the dry weight is my actual weight AFTER they pull off all the extra fluids. If someone goes way over their fluid limit that can cause more health problems; heart problems, blood pressure problems etc. 
:( I hate having to depend on a machine to keep me alive. Things will be soooooooooo much better after I get a kidney. 
January went by in a flash...And we are now in February .. so I started a new project. I am making blankets for other dialysis patients :) I really want to get the word out about what I am doing.I need donations of fabric and sewing materials and monetary so that I can keep making blankets. 
I think I am caught up on whats going on...lol ya not much...dialysis...dialysis....sewing <3 

Much love 

Low low low

(<---- I just like that song :P) Christmas is just around the corner :) I just love all the decorations my house is looking pretty cute inside hehe. I was really hoping I would have my match by this time and be having a transplant by Christmas :( hey I can have high hopes. I am very determined to get the word out about my needing a kidney, as well as about organ donation in general.
In the mean time dialysis is going pretty smooth, have not had any problems getting sick, well for the most part lol. Had a few time where my blood pressure dropped then I felt like I wanted to drop to the floor ...not good. Even had to spend a whole day on the couch one day because it was too low and every time I tried to walk I seriously just about blacked out. So I am slowly being taken off blood pressure medications. Thats a big deal because my bp used to be so high that I was on five to six medications and some days that did not even help. Urg well not much else going on  right now dialysis,dialysis,dialysis lol . Good nights loves :p

Princesses,dragons, Kights and Witches.

       When we are children we read lots of fairy tails about Princesses and evil witches, about Princes coming to the rescue and far away adventures.   I used to wish I was a mermaid Princess :P  That I would be able to have amazing underwater adventures and be the most beautiful mermaid princess. Lol of course even though I knew it was impossible it was still fun to imagine.  To imagine a life so amazing, being unstoppable and to always have the courage to go on so many dangerously amazing adventures. As a child most of us do not think we will have to face so many real dangers. 

           But in a way life has become like a storybook, just a different type. There is the evil I have to overcome and there is a hero, but no knight in shining armor; that parts on in the books :P Im the heroine and the princess; and I have to fight my battles day and knight. I look those nightmares and villains dead in the eyes and tell them "you will not win today." Its a constant battle sometimes deciding whether or not I am gonna give up and let the evil win.  I sometimes have those thoughts to just want to give up cause thats the easy way out. I mean why take the scary path through the dark wood crossing paths with unthinkable dangers? And I just think to myself at the end of this long, very long dark tunnel there is a glimmer of light. I can not see the light it so far sometimes,but I can feel it. 
Its hard sometimes but we all just got to think to ourselves that its all worth it,  the path may not be clear right now,but it has a reason. And we all have dragons to sleigh at sometime or another.  No one can defeat it for us, you and only you can conquer it. So always have hope and be as brave as you can, just never give up.

So thats my lil poetic fairy tale metephor :P  ug I should really get some rest, I am not tired at all but its already 3am and I suppose the Princess does need to attempt to get some rest. This is when being Sleeping Beauty would come in handy haha.  Btw I take that Princess bit to heart still even at 26 hahah. Hey whatever gets me through my day. SO I guess I bid you all a Good Night and  Good Morning <3

Keep On Walkin

Well I had a friend being tested and had gotten quite far in the process and it looked really hopeful..well a few days ago I got the dreaded phone call, that he was not a match....That kinda burst my bubble...But there is still hope. He and I opted to join the Paired Donation program so we will continue our workups and get on the list to hopefully find my match that way.....It sucks cuz he did not match but its still very hopefull with this option, I just have to be patient and wait....but in the mean time I am still having more friend start testing, cuz you never know someone could be my match.

Love is what its all about

                  I try to put a lot of thoughts into what I post,thats why it takes so long some times for me to come back and post haha.  Right now my health is pretty continuously the same; four days a week dialysis, take lots of medications and just stay home alot. 
Just so its clear kidney failure is not contagious lol......thats how it feels sometimes, people have alientated me from there life to the point that I really do not have a personal life anymore.It feels like people get so freaked out about hte situation I am in that they totally close me out. I think its kind of funny that people always say they  always pray and send good thoughts my way...but then people never call or want to hang out with me....ya that makes someone feel really loved....


On a more exciting note. :P So I went to the Breaking Dawn Part 2 opening night with my mom. I switched my dialysis because hte movie was on a Thursday night, I was not about to miss that movie hahaha. O-M-G that was by far the best movie of the whole series I think :D
Iv read all the books and the last book is my favorite, and they really an amazing job on the movie. I think I was near a heart attack on certain scenes haha. Seriously it was some intense stuff haha. I am ready to go see it again.

So today is Thanksgiving , yuummm I am ready to start eating all the delicious food :P Got dialysis in mid morning, then having another whole Thanksgiving feast Friday at my Aunts house, cant wait. I love spending time with the family,It helps me remember that I do have a small circle of love and support. I am grateful because with out my family I probably would not be here.No joke I was in a medicated coma May 2011 and the doctors had said I was going to die. But I pulled through thanks to the help and love of my family.

Be thankful for the people you do have in your life, and the days you have lived. You never know what is going to happen. 

Much love to alll and have a blessed and delicious days :p

Happy Veteran's Day

This weekend was Veterans Day, thats a really important day to me, not only do I like to remember all who have served, and celebrated my cousin SSG Frank J Gasper who was killed in action in 2008, but Veterans Day is also Franks birthday. I really do miss him so much, sometimes I act like hes not really gone just away on a mission He and I were really close.

Thank you to all the past and present service men and women.

HAPPY B-LATED 
VETERANS DAY

Caterpillars to butterflies

          Well life just keeps trucking along....sorry I'v been MIA.The fan on my laptop broke so I had to mail it away for repairs for a few weeks, I got it back and things have just been kind of busy. I'm alright no worries, just been caught up  with a bunch of things this last month. October is over, but its was eventful and wonderful month.I did a presentation at the Mexican Concilt Center about Organ Donation, turned 26 :p celebrated Dia de Los Muertos, and Halloween.Still on the search for that matching kidney.....

Sooo I volunteer with the Organ Donor Network when I get a chance to, they had me speak at the Mexican Concilt Center, promoting Organ donation to the Latino community. There is such a need for more people to be organ donors. People know about donating organs after your dead, but a lot of people do not think about donating while you are still alive. Everyone is born with two kidneys but you can live with one, your liver you can donate a piece as a living donor because the liver can regenerate itself. The body is so amazing. 

I turned 26 yikes I cant even believe that lol. I like to spend my birthdays with my extended family. Its an excuse to get together. One of my Aunts and my young teen cousins came for a visit. We drove to Santa Cruz visited the Monarch sanctuary near Natural Bridges.100,000 Monarchs make Natural Bridges there temporary home each winter from  mid-October through mid-February the Monarchs form a "city in the trees." Its so amazing to see them. And you never know what your going to get, they have life of their own so they choose whether they wanna come out and play or not :p It was a really great day. The weather was beautiful, after our visit to the sanctuary we went to the beach and tide-pools.  

Then the following weekend my mom and I planned to go to the Dia de Los Muertos celebration,because that's part of our culture, which I love so much. To welcome the dead home for a night. Well I got a lil surprise, lol I got a knock at hte door the morning of the celebration ......and it was my other Aunts and cousin. LOL omg I was so surprised. Totally not expecting them. haha So we got all painted up and walked in the parade and celebrated. 
I am so lucky to have such loving familia in my life. We always have so much fun, and I forget I am sick most of the time. lol though there's those moments where i get really tired and have to sleep, no avoiding that. Then we had Halloween did not do much for that just stayed home passed out candy.

So donor status, well I have one friend going through the process at the moment :) no word on if hes a match yet. He has not been ruled out yet still continuing the process so thats a good sign :D I have a feeling transplant is near. I just have to keep thinking positive and look forward. Its been almost two years now that I have been on dialysis. Dialysis is stable for the most part, have had some up and down moments lately just because they have to adjust my dry weight. I just have to dwell on the good moments and think about all the good things in life, and ignore all the crummy things going on in my life. I know I am a strong person and I have to be, I have no other choice but to be strong.If I'm not the alternative is to give up and face my maker.I know that not everyone could handle all the I have been through, and I would not wish anyone to ever have to. And everything doe happen for a reason, things surely are sucky right now, I'v lost alot of friends because they cannot handle the intensity of my life. So I get lonely sometimes enduring this rough path I live, but its all for a good reason...what that reason is right now I do not know lol but I'll figure it out eventually.  Kidney disease is a big part of my life, and always will be, I want to continue to help spread the word even after transplant. I want to spread the word of love and hope, and let people who are going through the same thing  know that things will get better. God has a plan for everyone and it will all happen in its own time. We just have to be patient, one thing I have not been good at lately. 
Lately I have been dreading going to dialysis, sitting in that chair four days a week for three hours as it sucks the life out of me.It dictates my life. I have to think this is only temporary. Happy thought, even when it seems impossible.
Please help spread the word about my needing a kidney, as well as about organ donation. 
https://www.facebook.com/pages/I-need-a-Kidney-DonorSave-Marina/291941610909908

Thank you all so much for your support. Lol so I will continue to write my blog, sorry it to ok so long. 

I'm Back :p

Urg so I finally got my computer back. I have much to fill you in on :p but I'm a bit tired at the moment to tell it now. So I will probably do it later today :) I am still alive and well, still on dialysis and searching for that wonderful person who will save my life. I hope everyone had a great week and that they continue to have a wonderful weekend <3 much love to all.

temporarily out of order

hey soo the fan in my laptop has stopped working. so i had to send it in for repairs. they said at most two weeks.soooo with the abscence of the laptop my blog will bloggin will be down temporarily. the search for kidney donor continues and dialysis is stable. im am as healthy nd happy as one can be in this situation.much love nd talk when i can

Hope

     I'm a bit of diva sometimes, I like to think of myself as a Princess, to the max :p To the point where I have my own lil tiara collection haha. Hey you know what ever gets me through the day, the more power to me. Everyone needs a lil spunk. Life is never what we expected and you just gotta roll with it. 
    Somedays its hard to deal with all this , I wake up and think, do I really have to go through this? Why is life so not what I imagined? Sometimes I wonder if I am just living in a nightmare, hoping to pinch myself and wake up. But then I rememeber this is real life, this is my reality. God has a reason for all that he does. And even with all this so much good has come out of it, Iv grown so much as a person. The tragedies of my life has made me more beautiful and stronger than I could ever imagined.  <3



       

Wonder...

You ever wonder about what you should have done? How could you have done something differently? Maybe wished you said something to some one?  Those were yesterday.....you cant dwell on yesterdays. Look ahead  and wonder what's in front of you. ...........

I used to do a lot of what if this? and what if that? It just ends up making you crazy and upset. 

Anyway, not much going on, pretty much same ol routine. Did hear from a dear fellow transplant buddy. Had not heard from him a long time. We met way back when my brother had his in 2003.  It was good to hear from him and be able to talk about whats going on, and not have to feel like I was boring him,and that he knew already what I was going through. Its good to have those connections with people who have or are going through the same stuff. You can never have too many support systems. :)  

Lol theres a lot going on in my head at the moment hahah. Blogging, and in the middle of working on my book. The thoughts are just pouring like crazy.Its like screaming in my head sometimes. Im sure I will write more later. My thoughts are just scattered all over like a collage, gotta sort the pieces :P

What Doesnt Kill You

      What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... My mom says I am too open with my condition, she says its not a bad thing just that not many people my age would be as open and okay with all that I have been dealt. And that I do agree with her on, I'v reached out to many others my age trying to help then overcome all that they have to face,because  it does suck sometimes.How else are other people going to gain hope and have a lil more insight than from someone who's been or going through it? Some people are able to keep that positive attitude almost all the time while others cant. So many bad things can happen in life, believe me I don't wish for anyone to ever feel the amount of pain I have, not even on my worst enemy. At the same time I cant dwell on it all, just gotta pick myself up and keep going. 
 I think part of my beauty is my strength,Iv gained alot of personality from it :P my sense of humor has grown and I'm a lil more outspoken then what I used to be haha. I mean don't put me to talk in front of a big  audience or anything lol, but non the less I tend to boss the hospital around and tell then how it is sometimes lol. Which is not a bad thing, especially when it comes to  your body and your health. Cuz you gotta let them know your a person, not a science experiment. 


That's how Iv survived all this, yes there's been those times Iv really just wanted it all to end. Moments where I just thought that dying would be better than feeling this pain. Somehow I had those moments standing on the edge ready to just fall cuz I'm so tired of holding on, and suddenly like a dove soaring that feeling of hope always comes back and tells me that things will be better soon and to just hold on a lil longer.

Tat my cousin got in honor of me :) he said on his pic caption
"To my awesome,
amazing, beautiful, strong, courage prima!!
 I love you so much!!
This dove symbolizes ur strength to keep soaring,
ur pure heart, ur hope and dreams,
 and the strength God gives you!!
 I will always carry ur strength with me prima!! Love you!! "

I want to be peoples' hope, give them inspiration from my life. 
On that note, so update on me blood pressure is still looking awesome that IV of Nitroglycerin I had in July must have worked some magic because that was the only thing different they did in the hospital. Still on five medications for blood pressure, but somedays I do not have to take them all. Donor status, I have had at least five more people step up to be tested and are in the process, so hopefully one of those is a match. Iv started a Facebook to help my search or rather my match to find me (https://www.facebook.com/needakidney.donor) add it and pass it on :)

Other than that just hanging around, do the dialysis thing ya know :p ? Drinking Starbucks, cuz thats like drinking heaven in a cup hahaha. I keep busy hanging with the people who still wanna hang around me :p That Storytold show a couple weeks got me remembering all the good times we had, lil Miss Mars is gonna have to start breaking out of her shell again soon haha. Thats another upside I guess of all this, I have always stayed pretty clean, I like to enjoy a few drinks now and then, and its ok to. But I have never ever gotten into any kind of drugs, not even tried. I just knew that I had so much more to live for and I did not need to make stupid choices like that.  Anyway this ramble has gone on far to long now haha, Its taken me all day to reword and write just the perfect words.  


I'll leave you with a quote from one my favorite book “Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold.” 

― S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders.  :P 

May your day be filled with hope and love, and you find the happiness in your day. 

The Starfish Thrower

What do you know about donating a kidney?

Did you know that the most common blood type on earth is O+?

Did you know that donating a kidney does not shorten your life if you simply take care of yourself?

Did you know that the waiting list for the most common blood type on earth, is also the longest?

Did you know that the remaining kidney will increase functioning capacity by as much as 35%?

They will tell you that there is no gain whatsoever to the donor.

This is not actually true. You gain the knowledge that you reached out to a fellow human being, and gave them a chance at a life. To have children. To marry. To love. To grow old.

There is an old story of a man walking down a beach covered in starfish. Literally millions upon millions of starfish are dying in the heat of the sun, as the tide retreats beneath them. 

Way off down the beach, he can see another man running up and down the beach, each time to the water, and then back. 


As he draws closer, he sees that the man is picking up every starfish he sees, and flinging it back into the ocean. Again and again he scoops up starfish, flinging them back into the sea. 

Finally abreast the man, he asks "What are you doing? You can't possibly save even the slightest fraction of all the starfish on the beach. Nothing you are doing means anything." 

The man stops for a moment, and looks down at the starfish in his hand. "It means something to this one."

Now here is what I want you to do. It is simple, and easy. 

BE THE MAN SAVING THE STARFISH.

One More sleepless night.....

         As usual not sleepy.......this is really getting old. Course I guess it would help if I set a time for myself to take the Ambien haha. Im just not sleepy and I let time get away from me, and when I finally think to take the ambien its like 1 AM. What do I do with that time, lots of lame artsy things haha, and watch old movies.I'm a big James Dean fan. Hes the living end :p
So the move is pretty much settled, I love the new house way better than our old one. The dogs love it to. I turned my book shelf into a shoetopia <3
     Just because I'm sick and hardly go out like I used to does not mean I don't have to look totally cute :p. I don't need to look cute for anyone except me, I just happen to look xtra cute if I was seeing someone haha. Speaking of that so I decided to let myself be open to dating someone. Iv been kind of scared to do that because I am so afraid people wont be accepting of me with the chest cath and all the stuff going on. But I'm putting myself out there, I'm a one man kind of girl though, I can't do that dating many different people at the same time. I'v always been that way. I don't like to share haha. I mean I'm not saying rush things I just dont like to be overbooking, I mean how are you suppose to see if you have feelings for someone if you are seeing multiple different people? I'm really out of practice though so we will see how it goes lol. Like I said I'm just cautious because I don't want people leading me on, then they turn out to be over it all. I got me a new polka dot dress, one the cutest dresses I think own now. So maybe I'll look cute in it and be irresistible to someone haha........... There's this song I love,I like to think its like my theme song Fire Attire ~ "Attire on fire catches my eye, lights up the room like the sun in the sky.Burning me, killing me, now take me away from the light that I found. She is dressed to kill.Burning my eyes but I can't look away.The more I stare its the end of my days. She is dressed to kill. Brace yourself, shes dressed to kill. Iv got to get her, my hearts beating faster now. Shes dressed to kill. ...........haha I love that song. Some my friends from Bakersfield wrote that. I just want to give some that feeling when they look at me :)

I love me some polka dots :p

Haha see it just proves even more that Im just like any normal 25year old, I love looking cute, and always having my face did up, and I just want that one person who sees me for me and loves me for it. Even with all the crap going on. I look at it like a painting, I am the foreground, and all the stuff is the background. Once you see all the foreground has to offer in all its beauty then maybe the background looks ok,not so bad.I mean if I can deal with it, certainly someone else can watch me deal with it. I am woman hear me ROAR :p Now who doesn't want someone that determined hehe. Anywho I guess I better try and get some sleep.
Shall I leave you with a joke to end the night? hehe.....How do frogs die?????........................they Kermit suicide .....HAHA....hey I thought it was funny. :p

May God always be in your heart and may your spirit always be high.Let love fill your life, and joy fill your day. Let every moment in life be cherished and may you always have a hand to hold in tough times in life. Many prayers for me and for all. God bless and good night.

That Moment in Life

          There's always those moments in life when you wonder what the whole purpose was? Iv had so many horrible moments in life, that if I weren't the person I am I would probably want to just let go and give up. But in all those moments Iv had some wonderful beautiful moments too. And thats what you gotta do, just think about the beautiful moments; so that you can have more beautiful moments in your life. For every teary moment make a beautiful moment.
I'v had so many beautiful moments in life.

~Moments like looking at the beautiful Cliffs of Mohere, Ireland. Feeling the wind almost pushing you over the edge, and the sea below splashing. How many people can say they have experienced a moment like that?That's one those moments that I would relive over and over.



~Riding the London Eye, the tallest structure in London! Being able to see all of London through that glass. It stands 443 ft! When you press your hand on that glass to see all the sights, you feel an uncertainty for a minute as to how close your really want to get to the glass to see it all.

~Having high tea with my mom, and telling her all my stories of how it feels like the high tea from London. Sitting in a beautiful room, so prim and elegant. Drinking tea from beautiful china and amazing savory food.



~Coffee! that's always a beautiful moment. The minute you wake up and that aroma fills the house.As you put the cup to your lips you can feel the heat touching your face and your tongue gets that first lil bit and it reaches all the way to the pit of your stomach like a warm hug :p  

So many moments in life and if we dwell on the bad ones how will we be able to enjoy the wonderful ones? There might be times where your steps away from the edge,but you just gotta breathe look over the edge and step back. Tell yourself not today,tomorrow is always a new and beautiful day. 

~Like enjoying a former Storytold performance :p Those have been some beautiful moments. Listening to Loren sing amazingly, and the guys play awesomely (lol I don't think that's a word but I couldn't thing of any other way to describe it haha)The adrenaline rushes and your heart beats with excitement. Every lyric being lipsynced by you and everyone around you. Smiling with joy to every note and chord. :p

~What about when you make other people happy? Making laughter, a laughter so contagious they forget for a moment all that they are going through. Being able to share beautiful moments together.

~Being proud of yourself for your hard work :) and everyone else enjoying it, once again making others happy with your happiness. 

~Seeing your new puppy for the first time,and she sees you, and you both know you are meant for each other <3 

~Meeting someone new and that person makes you smile, even though your still unsure what to make of it all :p 



So many amazing moments in life and that is just a few I could name off the top of my head <3 There's so many more beautiful moments to come,I'm sure of it. So many more people I will encounter who will share a beautiful moment with me. 

That moment when I get the call about a kidney will be one the most beautiful, And its in my future somewhere. 

So to all of you with heavy feet and tired spirits, think of the beautiful moments in life.Let that be your strength, that you too have many beautiful moments ahead. <3

Turn Around

       So its been about two months now that my blood pressure  has been at a normal range. Things are looking pretty good,well in terms of that situation........still have the problem of no kidney yet, and still on four days a week of dialysis. But things could be worse.......... God has some plan, but Im really not sure what it is, and I dont know why he does such things to people sometimes.
           I was at McDonalds the other morning picking up some breakfast after dialysis and this homeless man stops me, he noticed my chest cath. He asked if I was on dialysis, I was a little uneasy, a random homeless person asking such information. I replied with a quick "yes" he tells me hes on dialysis too and that he has a chest cath. "Sucks doesn't it?" I was a little in shock at finding a random person with the same situation, non the less a homeless person. "Yes it does suck, I guess thats how life goes sometimes eh?" " Ya, God Bless" he replied and we went on our ways. 
Just goes to show someone could always have it worse than you. I could never imagine being homeless and have a failing kidney. I mean how do you keep that chest cath safe from harm? Of clean and sanitary? Life always surprises me.

 Cupcake biz is up and down.  The word of mouth process takes a lil time I guess. But the people that I have done jobs for have all loved what I have done. :) I think I'm becoming immune to cupcakes lol, I used to not be able to look at them without having one, now I just taste a piece to make sure I did not somehow screw up the recipe lol. I like baking and cooking but sometimes Im not even in the mood to eat haha. I just enjoy making and creating and having other people enjoy. 

Whats for fun these days? I'v kinda lost my "Mars attacks" fun side lol. Before my marriage and this recent health situation relapse  I used to hang out with lots of local band people, being the amateur photographer, just having fun being part of something. My friends of the former band Storytold just recently had a reunion show. Finally! lol I had been dreaming of that, like alot of people haha. As always they were amazing, and as usual they made their Lil Mars Bars feel special haha. I mean they made sure that I was going to be able to make it. Everyone as usual called to make sure I would have a way to get there and Loren (the lead singer) told me he has a ticket for me, haha sadly he told me to late cause I had already bought one, I was not going to miss that show. Anyway so I made the show obviously, even with me being a lil scared to be in the crowd of people with my chest cath. Heck I got up in the very front of the stage as usual, screamed my lungs out and totally had a great time, and had fellow fan friends guarding to make sure I would get bumped by some other crazy person haha. That was the most fun I had a long time since this relapse. 
           
                So I know I have not written in a really long time. Times gotten away from me, with having to recently move. Took forever to find a place that was not a scam. Plus there really has not been anything to say. I mean how many people want to hear about me going to Starbucks and dialysis over and over? haha Thankfully my health has not worsen so I have had nothing to report. As long as I stay positive and stay within my liquid restrictions and watch my diet I think I'll be okay for the time being. Lots of people have more problems because they do not follow the doctors orders. I look at people at dialysis and somehow they are in worse condition than what I saw them in a year ago. I guess people give up hope and just give in to temptations. 
I just keep telling myself its all for a reason and its all gonna get better. 

Just gotta rock on and be my crazy lil beautiful bubbly self :P 

Finally Feeling

Finally feel myself again, after that last ordeal in the hospital. I was feeling really messed up, not sure if it was just from being in the hospital, or from all the IV medications. Especially that nitro drip, Id never had nitro before and that was the only new medication I was given. So I think maybe the nitro had something to do with why I was still not totally feeling myself. 
I just had been nausea and vomiting the last few days after I got out the hospital.My appetite also was not what it usually is, I mean usually I can eat portions for four people lol, but I had barely been eating enough for one person. BUT this last week I'm finally feeling back to my regular me, no more vomiting or nausea. Well no more constant vomiting, I know gross, TMI but hey its part of whats going on.
Anywho, so back to my old self, still no word on a donor match. But good thing is since my last blood pressure ordeal in the hospital, my pressures have been EXCELLENT at home. I don't know what they did that fixed it but something worked. 
Nothing much else to report here, just hanging around at home as usual. Working on getting my foot in the door at that culinary school. Still doing four days a week dialysis...urg............