I'm 25 now and Iv been through more than I could really ever believe I would have to. As a child I asked my mother time and time again WHY ME? WHY OUR FAMILY? AGAIN! From the days my dad was undergoing kemo therapy for cancer, to the days I was in the hospital for my many different operations, to the days I watched my little brother follow in my footsteps and under go dialysis and transplant.As a child I endured many things most kids never even have to dream of. I used to question God and sometimes even be so pissed off at him. Why would God pick on me so much? why would he want me to go through so much pain and agony especially as a child? And then not only to pick on me but my brother and my father? What am I suppose to get out of this? Dear God why couldn't you just let me die already?
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And time and time again as God puts me through these painful situations, he leaves me to dangle on the edge just for a bit just enough to make everyone belive that I wont make it this time and then brings me back.As I get older and the years go by I look at all the good that came out of those experiences, and that God had a purpose for me. I am a pillar of light for others, I want to be a hand to hold, the rock that's hard to budge. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am a fighter! One tough cookie to break. :p
My whole reasoning for writing this blog is because I think my life experience can help other people who are going through similiar situations, and even to help give people who have never been in any life threatening situation a look into my life,maybe give people a chance to think about what is really important and be thankful for their own lives.
I live my life with so much happiness and see the beauty in almost every sitiation,not thinking about the negative of the situation, just think I AM GOING TO MAKE IT!
I want to give people hope. Life can suck sometimes, but you got to keep believeing in yourself. Sounds so cliche saying things like never give up and things happen for a reason. But the truth is just that, fight for your life with every nerve in your body. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and I mean that. You gotta take it one day at a time, and not let it get the best of you. Iv noticed that the emotional effects the physical, the days I felt sorry for myself I felt physically sicker, but the days I thought positively I felt stronger. Humor is always a great way to approach a situation. Yes I'm in a f***ed up situation right now, and I get mad and I cry and all the normal emotions. You cant wallow in your pain and feel sorry for yourself, that will only make you weaker. I look at where I am to where I was in May and think how lucky I am. I am going to get through this! With the love of my family and close friends, to my will-power to live. I most defiently know that things will get better <3
1 comment:
Marina, I read your post and so many similarities stand out. I am currently waiting for my second transplant and have been on Hemo dialysis now for a little over a year. I watched my dad suffer on dialysis for about 30 years and many close calls came from it. I have lost many family members to renal disease as well. My first transplant was from my husband and lasted four years and then due to horrible insurance and my doctor dropping the ball I lost the most perfect gift that could be given to me by my husband. I struggle many days with this journey that God has me on but good has come from this for me as well. I applaud you for blogging and feeling like you need to connect with others like your self. People can sympathize with us but no one can truly understand unless they have been in that chair. Thank you for sharing your struggles and Victories you are truly inspiring many! God Bless!!
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